Funny One Liners

18 Jun

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
  • Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist, they don’t expect it back.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Death is hereditary.
  • Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
  • Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
  • Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
  • Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
  • I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
  • Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  • There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
  • There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
  • Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Source: http://www.jokesandhumor.com

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